HOW TO TRAVEL WITH THE KIDS
Instead of singing "99 bottles of beer on the wall," you drink 'em.
During the school year, keep them up at night
so that they fail and have to attend summer school.
Pretend to pass out at the wheel, weaving erratically.
Blindfold the children and tell them that you're taking them to the "Bat cave."
Sit them back-to-back, facing away from one another, and go to town with the duct tape.
Make them eat a whole turkey and let the tryptophan kick in.
You can ship a 40 lb child UPS 2nd day air for around $60.00, but don't forget the air holes.
When you get on the plane, ask your child if he or she remembered to pack their parachute.
Tell your kids that if they're extra-good, they get to ride in the "trunk seat."
For every sugary snack your kid eats, take a Valium pill.